


Kidnapping By Prior Arrangement

by ChocolateTeapot (brilliantdelusion)



Category: Super Mario & Related Fandoms
Genre: F/M, Fake Kidnapping, Humor, Jealousy, Mario/Pauline - Freeform, Minor Character Death, Parody, Unrequited Love, incompetent minions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-09-09
Updated: 2008-09-09
Packaged: 2020-11-02 18:26:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20814530
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brilliantdelusion/pseuds/ChocolateTeapot
Summary: There is a huge security loophole just waiting for Bowser to exploit. Luckily, Princess Peach doesn't mind being kidnapped. But she isn't the only girl Mario has rescued. Oneshot.





	Kidnapping By Prior Arrangement

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on fanfiction.net. Disclaimer preserved for historical purposes: Here is the drill… I mean the disclaimer: The Mario franchise and all of its characters are property of Nintendo. I do not own anything.

Bowser sat on his throne in the heart of his castle. Around him, his minions stood to attention. He was busy eating a pizza.

Suddenly, the huge double doors swung open and a generic Magikoopa burst in. "Your Evilness, the telephone is ringing!" it shouted, waving its wand around wildly, accidentally unleashing a fireball that fried an unfortunate Paratroopa.

Bowser looked up and grumpily wiped some tomato sauce off his face. "Fetch it, you morons!"

"Yes, your Vileness, sir!" Several Koopa Troopas rushed out of the hall, stumbling over each other and trampling the Magikoopa in the process.

Bowser groaned. It was such a pity that competent minions were also competent at forming trade unions, and therefore unaffordable.

A few minutes later, a Goomba ambled in, the telephone balanced precariously on its head. Luckily it was still ringing. The telephone cord was unravelling wildly and Bowser noted that several minions had tripped over it. "If you go any slower, you'll be overtaken by a snail!" he roared, stood up and marched to the Goomba. Bowser snatched the receiver, leaving the Goomba standing forlornly at his feet.

"Bowser, King of the Koopa. Who's speaking?" he snapped.

"Hi, it's Princess Peach!"

Immediately, Bowser changed his tone. "What a wonderful surprise, Princess. I don't suppose you'd want to-"

"No, I don't want to marry you. Sorry."

He sighed.

"But I'd require your assistance, if that doesn't cause any inconvenience," Peach said.

"Really?!" Bowser's jaw dropped.

"Yes. You see, a girl has been kidnapped by a giant ape and-"

"Gwahahaha! I get it! You need me to be the big, bold hero who comes to the rescue!"

"Not exactly… Mario has booked that job for life. But," Peach sobbed melodramatically, "He's dating _her_ now!"

Bowser accidentally kicked away the Goomba and the telephone clattered to the floor. "Who? The monkey?"

"No, the girl! She's called Pauline and she isn't even royal. But I have an idea. Could you pretend to kidnap me? That should get his attention."

"Goes fine! Kidnapping you is what I do best!"

"I know." Peach giggled. "Please be at the palace gardens, tomorrow at twelve o'clock. I'll bribe the guards so that they won't patrol the area."

"No need for that. I've got a better plan! And we can pull it off today!"

A few minutes later, Bowser dropped the receiver to the floor and yelled, "Get me my sports stuff!"

"Yes, your Grumpiness!" All of his minions streamed out of the door at once. Bowser could vaguely make out cries like, "Watch where you're treading!" and "That's my foot!" Soon enough he was alone in the vast hall.

After some hassle, Bowser was sitting in his Bowsermobile. He was wearing his football shirt and his tennis racket lay in the back seat.

As he drove along Mario Circuit, Bowser cursed in a loud, but _child friendly_ way whenever he drove over a Goomba that obviously thought _road safety_ was something to eat. He wished that he'd brought his Clown Copter, but certain types of kidnapping should not be attempted until one has stolen a magic item preferably connected with stars. Besides, he'd probably just collide with Paratroopas instead.

He parked in the park of Peach's Palace. Casually, he picked up his tennis racket and strolled to the gates. The Toad guards cheerfully waved him in.

Bowser plodded along the corridor leaving huge muddy footprints on the red carpet. He looked at the pictures absentmindedly, trying to remember what world was in each of them.

While he was turning a corner he bumped into Mario. Bowser barely felt a thing, but Mario got knocked over. The girl who was walking next to Mario crouched down beside him and placed her hand on his shoulder. "Are you alright, Mario?"

"Don't worry about me, Pauline." Mario turned to Bowser. "What are you doing here, you monstrous turtle?"

"Me?" Bowser gestured with his tennis racket. "I'm on a sports day. A tennis match in the palace garden, a 150cc kart race and then…" Bowser took a deep breath and started to laugh manically.

Mario leaped up and clenched his fists. "And then?"

"A football match!"

Mario relaxed and readjusted his cap. "Good luck then, buddy!" He and Pauline walked off, hand in hand.

Once they were out of earshot, Bowser muttered, "What's up with him? She's no where near as pretty as Peach!"

Finally, he reached the palace garden and squeezed his way in through the small door. Bowser gaped in surprise. Why were there so many white sheets hanging in the garden? Then he realised that they were Boos, all taking great attention not to face anybody.

Peach was casually leaning on a small tree in the centre of the courtyard. She was wearing her classic pink "damsel-in-distress dress". Her suitcase stood at her feet. Without saying a word she picked it up.

They left the palace at a brisk pace. The guards saluted when they walked out of the gate.

Once they were outside, Peach turned to Bowser. "Did you bring your 'Double Dash' kart? Having mine parked outside your castle would seem sort of suspicious…"

"Don't worry, princess! Of course I brought my luxurious-"

"Good. I'll drive, if you don't mind. I could find your castle blindfolded."

Peach slammed her foot onto the accelerator and the kart sped over the drawbridge. Several Koopa Troopas dived for cover. One or two of them fell into the lava below. Bowser sighed, "At least I'll have some more Dry Bones."

Once she was in the courtyard, Peach tore the wheel round and simultaneously stepped on the brakes. The kart screeched to a halt, leaving tyre marks on the cobblestones.

"Bit faster than what I'm used to." Peach stepped out and picked up her suitcase. Feeling slightly dizzy, Bowser clambered out too.

Four Koopa Troopas pushed the massive doors open and Peach walked into the castle.

"Do I need to accompany you?" Bowser yelled after her.

"No thanks, I already know the way!"

Bowser shrugged and followed her, leaving a team of Koopa Troopas to push his kart into the garage.

Twenty minutes later, he was sitting next to Peach on the brand new, evil-overlord style sofa in the living room. She was busy writing letters. Bowser leaned back. "That one's for Mario, but who'll get the one you're writing right now?"

"Toad," Peach said without looking up.

"So it's 'Thank you, Mario! But the princess is in another castle'?"

Peach nodded and pulled two envelopes out of her handbag. "The classic. We wouldn't want to break with tradition." She clipped it shut again. "Tell your subjects not to hurt him too badly, okay?"

She folded the letters, stuck them into the envelopes and closed them. After hesitating for a moment, Peach wrote the addresses and handed the letters to Bowser. "They only need a stamp, and they can be posted."

"Sure thing! Minions!" Bowser bellowed.

Moments later the sound of running down the hallway was to be heard. Then that of dozens of incredibly incompetent minions crashing into each other.


End file.
